I came to the conclusion a few weeks ago that every week I had a choice of what I could focus on, that it wasn’t possible to do them all well at once for a whole week.

The 3 parts my life breaks down to are

*Ben and the house (homework, reading, playing, standing on lego, cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking, gardening, shopping etc)
*Work ( over at Geek Fairy )
*CrossFit /running / gym

I had a week where I had done 7 workouts over the week, I felt awesome, I was high from it all, but the house and child were semi-feral, I had done all the work I needed to but no more.

Then another week of working all the hours I could squeeze in, meant little CrossFit, and again semi-feral house, and child possibly not wearing ironed clothes *gasp*

And then the guilt as it feels that possibly Ben never gets to the top of the list, but actually it is just that cliche of quality time. The boring cooking, feeding, washing, that is done for him is done. But the time spent laughing and chatting is limited as I am trying to work on a bit of code.

And in all of this I seem to have forgotten one part. Me.

Yes everyone’s lives are busy, we all constantly talk about how we a busy, not enough hours, rush from here to there.

And added to me getting lost, is the guilt I mentioned, add in then a good dose of never ever feeling like I achieve anything as it is all such a whirlwind and there is never the luxury of time to reflect.

This post has been in my head for weeks, the only reason I am getting time to write it now, is that Ben is at beavers and usually I run now. But I buggered my knee last night and then also managed to fall down the stairs earlier so I am a bit broken. So I have taken myself off for that hour to have a coffee in a bar. With free wifi and the iPad.

In the past few weeks I have began to look for a way to press the pause button on the chaos, there is no escaping it, I am beginning to accept that but I cannot accept that there is not a better way to deal with it, than the state I am at now. The state where my anxiety is eating away at me, that all the positive things I am doing with eating clean, exercise, changing the physical me, making that the best it has ever been. Challenging myself to do new scary things at Crossfit and achieving SO much. But yet feeling totally numb about it all. Because I lack the ability to live in the present moment. To press the pause button and appreciate a moment because I think of all I need to do next, the stuff I haven’t achieved, or the past and the things I have failed in.

I can only ever look at the present in a bad way and think ‘oh fuck life is always going to be like this’

And the trouble with not being able to appreciate what I have done is that you don’t ever build the self belief that you can do the scary thing the next time. You don’t build that memory or feeling of succeeding.

And this isn’t just Crossfit, it is work too. I talk down what I do at any opportunity, I don’t think I am that good, just messing around really.

But I am fortunate, very fortunate that now in life I have surrounded myself with good people. Both in the real work and online. People who won’t let me fall, people who can see what I fail to, people who believe that I am worthy of realising and seeing the good that I do.

Physically I feel exhausted, I don’t sleep well, anxiety is ever present, anxiety about ridiculous things. I have started to read about Adrenal Fatigue and it fits oh so well.

As I said earlier I accept now that life is stressful, I can’t change that but I can see how the way I deal with the stress is something I can change.

I went on a 3 out mindfulness and meditation session that was amazing. For those 3 hours I sorted so much in my head, I had the space and time to do nothing but think about a mixture of nothing and me, I don’t ever do this. My brain is constantly onto the next thing and that thing and the shopping, and the emails.

I felt calm, well ok, I felt calmer.

And when I left I said yep that’s it, I need to incorporate this into my life.

That was 3 weeks ago. And it hasn’t happened.

A couple of weeks ago I saw this notebook, it made me smile so much

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It just sums up how I want to feel, to be able to appreciate the moment, to celebrate.

I still don’t know how to do it, but I think maybe starting to use the notebook as a place to write down happy things, however small to appreciate them. Press the pause button and be able to see that moment.

As a quote I read the other day, if I can’t appreciate what I have and the positive what is the point day dreaming about other things and a different life.

Sure I know what the whole numb shit is about, it is to protect, no expectations, no disappointments. And that is totally super if you want to accept that life of numbness, no change, no highs. But I want the highs, and they are here. I want to allow myself to dream and it be ok to have those expectations of people and things.

I have been thinking the past week do I need to change big things in life, and I don’t know, I don’t know what to change or how to change things.

But if there is no change, everything stays the same.

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